A busted lip

Waking up from a drunken night, it was just a haze. Memories seemed broken up; complete loss of time and space. I roll over and see him just sleeping. It is time to get up I thought, we had to drive to the beach and then home. I muster up enough strength to get up, walk over to the bathroom in my tiny studio apartment, and open the bathroom door. WTF.......I had a black eye and busted lip! I am starring at myself in the mirror and I didn't recognize myself. Bruh what the hell happened last night. I remember hanging with friends at the local collage bar, my boyfriend was there as well. Everything was cool, you know the vibes right??? I remember leaving the bar and then nothing else, black out. I stand in the bathroom questioning did he do this to me??? At that time in my life he had put his hands on me about 3 times (that I can remember) first was high school, second was at college, and now this. I tried really hard to remember, and then it hit me. I am pretty sure we started fighting in the bathroom and he punched me in the face. I remember bleeding and him screaming to clean myself up and that I made him do it. I knew if I woke him up he will not have any memory of what happened let alone admit to doing this. So I just cleaned myself up, and got ready to go. I tried to do some type of makeup (this was 2011 so my skills were not on "fleek") and then he gets up. He takes one look at me and was like what happened to you!? Bro REALLY, and just like that he does not remember. This was starting to me become a common thing, we would have an argument, things would get heated, he ends up abusing me in some fashion, and he forgets or down plays the situation. Before gaslighting was a thing he was a pro at it. I proceeded to tell him well I think we got into a fight and you hit me. He is like naw that didn't happened, you hit me in the bathroom you dont remember????? I was on the phone with some girl and you pull my dreads and I pushed you off of me and you fell and hit your mouth on the bathroom sink. Looking back this story sounds like some fucking bullshit but back then I was very naive and so green to the abuse and trauma that was occurring that I believed it. The gas lighting and emotional abuse was so rampant in this realtionship it became a normal thing, my reality.

The day went on as planned only with this nagging since of dread, like did it really happened like he said it did? Ever time I say my reflection, passed a mirror, touched my lip I had this raw since of fear that would creep into my stomach. This sensation made me feel like something bad happened to me and I can't put my finger on it. It was shame. Shame that I knew what really happened, but my brain or heart or rational parts of me did not want to admit it.

That busted lip signified that yes I am in an abusive relationship. Me!!!! Really Me! I prided myself as super independent, strong, smart, ambitious, and witty person. So, how did I end up in this type of situation. I would go on to blame myself (literally to this day). Reasons behind me not leaving even with signs of love bombing, escalation, gas lighting, unpredictability, jealousy, intense rage, and other red flags were deep. This, this is when I knew I was in deep and did not know or have the strength to just leave.

If anyone is in this type of situation just leave, it never gets better, EVER. Tell someone, anyone.

National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

"Sometimes life is like this dark tunnel. You can’t always see the light at the end of the tunnel. But if you always keep moving, you will come to a better place."