1 of 365 of being selfish.

The new year is always a time of reflection, a fresh start, time to write a new story, wash away all the regret from the past year. But for some the new year may bring many blues. I remember the new year never being fun for me, being in an abusive relationship; holidays never brought fond experiences and always ended in some type of drama. Also, being around family meant I had to keep secrets or hide the fact that I was being abused. As much as I saw others partying the night away with family and friends, laughter, drinks, and smiles it just seemed so unreachable for me and never a reality. The idea of a fresh start was beautiful but just that an idea, a fairytale that would never be my life. It was not till I decided enough was enough that the new year would bring me joy and not pain.

What changed for me????

Being selfish. That's right selfish. That word has always had a bad vibe, never pushed as a positive thing. I think this starts from childhood, the definition of what a women or young girl is supposed to be or behave as does not include selfish behaviors. Being selfish for many generations has not been part of a women's personality let alone their life. To be a respectful outstanding young lady, one would have to be selfless or a sacrificial lamb to societal norms. Take what being a mom is, for many cultures, races, societies the mom has to sacrifice the most. The idea of any mother ever putting herself first is honestly shameful. The audacity for a mom to want anything other than her children or family is normally frowned upon. Within my own family the matriarch is the HBIC. The house does not run without mom, shit does not get done without mom, I mean I would go to school with black shoes and white socks if dad was in charge. And for my single moms, it is even worse, getting any kind of break is just looked at as a forbidden concept. The idea of single motherhood is essentially your fault (society always points the finger at the momma), so putting yourself first is just a dream not your reality. I recall a video on social media of a mom trying to blow out her candles for her birthday cake on her birthday. Her child wanted to blow them out and preceded to do so, mom stopped the child and then the child became very upset. If you scroll to the comments so many people called her a "bad mom" and that she was mean for stopping her child. Bruh! its her birthday and her cake??? How is she a bad mom for wanting HER cake for HER birthday. But call her crazy for being selfish on her own birthday.

I decided to be selfish when my abusive ex's dad told me I had problems after his son severely assaulted me. I was fucking stunned, as I sit in his living room with swollen eyes from crying all night, bruises, scratches, and a swollen ankle that is how you see me? Is what I thought. That was the narrative or adjective I was convinced I shouldn't be, and that is was a bad thing. Along, with the southern gender roles that are very problematic that runs deep within my familial roots, being selfish is always a bad thing.

Well not anymore. Be FUCKING SELFISH. Be selfish with your time, love, peace, money, body, children, dreams, space, home, friends, family, work, your mind, emotions, and your soul. Whenever we disregard our own feelings and emotions, for what we may think is right just for the sake of being righteous, or a martyr is just plain counter productive. When we put everything and everyone before ourselves, resentments becomes embedded into our hearts.

And all of 2024 no one has time for that, so yes be selfish and be proud to put yourself first every damn time.

"Selfless is for the weak, not me."